Freakish Behaviour

So it occurred to me recently that I might not be completely normal psychologically.

For a person with M.E. that is a huge admission. Trying to battle the erroneous perception that it is a psychological disorder has left us too scared to admit to anything other than a completely balanced mind. For fear that lunatic psychiatrists around the world will leap out and yell 'Aha, we knew you were crazy!!'

Now don't get me wrong, I am not being flippant or derogatory about psychological diseases. I know that they are serious issues which should not be stigmatized. That is not the issue. The issue is that if someone is wrongly identifying the cause of a disease then you will never get the right treatment. And we really need treatment. Very. Soon. Please.

Despite my fear of psychiatry I am still willing to reveal my observation.

Here it is. I am not depressed. Which is weird, right? A normal person in my position would be, wouldn't they?

I am not always little miss cheerful, hell no. I have my share of melt-downs. But I'm not depressed. I have not lost enjoyment in things, I just can't do them any more. There desire is still very much there. Like most people with M.E. I have a huge list of things I would like to do if I was cured tomorrow. I think the first thing on that list would be to throw a big party. I would play loud music, drink (gasp!), just throw caution to the wind and dance around like an idiot. I would probably drive everyone utterly nuts!!
 I miss being able to do that, throw caution to the wind. Last time I did that I spent the next three days vomiting and unable to keep even water down. I injured my neck so badly from vomiting that it took weeks before it started to feel better. I was deathly ill. But I digress.

I am extremely fortunate enough to find joy in small things. Translation: I am easily amused. Also, I love to learn. I have a ridiculous sense of curiosity, always have.

As an example :  On Saturday I woke up with a fairly sore throat. My mutant lymph node (the one that always swells up) was huge, and really quite painful. On inspection, my right tonsil was really swollen and covered in alot of pus. Gross right? Well yes, it was. But it was also very interesting to me. I have always had an acute interest in biology, and apparently that includes my own. Now obviously it would have been better if I didn't feel like utter shite because of it, but if you are going to feel crap, it might as well be entertaining. In a OMG how can lymph nodes even get THAT big?!!?? And LOOK AT ALL THAT PUS!! Kind of way. Us ex-pathology workers tend to get fascinated by the grossest stuff. It was the same when I was working too. I was the sucker people called on to do something when it was too revolting for anyone else to stomach. I won't give examples, it is not everyones cup of tea.

So that started me thinking. Is it ok that I am so used to feeling like crap that any extra issues (like acute tonsillitis) barely even make a negative impression on me? I did feel even more sick than usual. What is the normal response?

And it is not just health related issues that I am accepting about. I am just a roll-with-the-punches kinda girl. I have had my fair share of knock-downs. Just as many trip-over-my-own-feet situations. Somehow, I always get back up. No matter what I get up. It is probably why Invictus is my favourite poem.

I have been told by a few people lately that I am a very strong person. Am I really? I mean, is there any other choice? Or is it just survival? If I didn't learn to just accept these things as they come along, I probably would lose my mind. Just fall into a gibbering heap.

It has left me wondering, maybe I did lose my mind years ago. I just didn't know it.