Mona Lisa Smile

It took me a long time to admit and realise that I was seriously ill. And of course, the longer I denied it, the sicker I got. It really is mortifyingly embarrassing actually.
It all started in 1996, when I had glandular fever (mono). My doctor had written me a note to have two weeks off work. After two weeks I still felt really awful, but reasoned that my doctor knew best, so I went back to work. Idiot move #1.

Climbing the stairs to get into work I was having and extremely hard time. In addition, my heart was jumping all over the place. I had never experienced that kind of thing before. I remember thinking 'Oh, maybe I shouldn't have come back to work yet'. But I just ignored it and kept going. Idiot move #2.

The following year was atrocious. I had what seemed to be a never-ending series of colds and flues (with hind-sight, probably all the same illness). I became so sick of being sick that one day I announced to those around me that I was just going to ignore it, and eventually it would have to go away. REALLY BIG IDIOT MOVE #3.

This was a stupid decision, but one that we are all taught to do. Society tells us to 'soldier on' when we are sick, not rest and recuperate. What is more, this decision was based on past experience. I had always recovered from illness before, so why would I expect not to now? Unfortunately my decision to 'soldier on' left me permanently disabled, in constant pain and I will probably never be able to work again..

This stubborn and deliberate denial went on for the next nine years. This was despite experiencing : very stiff/sore neck and excruciating eye pain, extreme exhaustion and weakness, constant pain in muscles and joints (quite severe a lot of the time), lack of co-ordination (leading to minor injuries), general malaise, nausea, loss of balance, vertigo, cognitive difficulties (memory, reasoning etc), photophobia, visual disturbances, insomnia, orthostatic intolerance, heart disturbances (tachycardia, ventricular ectopy, ventricular trigeminy and occasional atrial ectopy) and migraine, among other things. Yes, I really was that stupid......

In addition, quite early on I experienced right-sided facial numbness (about the same time as I was first experiencing the horrible stabbing eye pain-Yay!). This numbness in my face was relatively mild, but permanent. It came to my attention, years down the track, that it correlated with a mild paralysis.

I used to look at photos of me and think 'Why do I have such a stupid look on my face?'. I would resolve that next-time I would smile properly. But yet again, despite the fact that I was SURE I smiled when the picture was taken, there was that lopsided, wry smile. Then I finally realised that the muscles just weren't doing what I told them. I thought I was smiling, but I wasn't! I was dismayed, people must think I'm a right grump!

My dad once said, when looking at some photos 'I really like how you don't mug for the camera and give a big cheesy grin'. Yeah, but I was trying to! He calls it my Mona Lisa smile. I really like that. Makes me a bit different, I guess.

So if there only two things that I want you take away from all this they are :

1. If you are sick, take it seriously. Do the right thing and REST. Stay at home and don't spread your illness to everyone else!! If you don't improve GET HELP. If they don't listen to you GO SOMEWHERE ELSE.

and

2. Even when you have a partially paralyzed face, there is an upside!